Context Slice Task Routing
Match user intent to the appropriate diagnostic task:
| User says | Focus | Task |
|---|---|---|
| "what's wrong", "figure out our issues", "diagnose", "why are we struggling" | General diagnosis |  Diagnose Relationship Issues |
| "keeps happening", "same fight", "cycle", "pattern", "every time" | Pattern recognition | Identify Relationship Patterns |
| "want different things", "needs aren't met", "expectations", "we're incompatible" | Needs assessment | Assess Relationship Needs |
Safety First
Before any diagnosis, screen for safety concerns. If user describes:
- Physical threats or violence
- Controlling behavior (isolation, financial control, monitoring)
- Fear of partner's reactions
- Walking on eggshells constantly
Respond: "What you're describing sounds like it could be an unsafe situation. I'm not the right resource for this—your safety matters more than any diagnosis. Please consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or thehotline.org. They can help you think through your options safely."
Diagnostic Questions
Opening Questions (All Tasks)
Start with context-gathering:
- How long have you been together?
- What's happening that made you want to talk about this?
- When did you first notice something felt off?
- What does a typical conflict look like between you two?
Deepening Questions
Based on initial answers, explore:
- "When that happens, how do you typically respond?"
- "What do you think your partner would say is the issue?"
- "Has this always been present, or did something change?"
- "What have you tried already?"
The Four Horsemen (Gottman)
These communication patterns predict relationship breakdown. Identify which are present:
Criticism — Attacking partner's character rather than specific behavior. "You never think about anyone but yourself" vs "I felt hurt when you made plans without checking with me."
Contempt — Disrespect, mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling. The most destructive horseman. Signals fundamental disrespect.
Defensiveness — Deflecting responsibility, counter-attacking, playing victim. "It's not my fault you're so sensitive" blocks resolution.
Stonewalling — Shutting down, withdrawing, refusing to engage. Often a response to feeling flooded or overwhelmed.
When diagnosing, note: Which horsemen appear? Who tends to use which? Are both partners contributing to the pattern?
Attachment Dynamics
Attachment styles create predictable friction patterns:
Anxious + Avoidant — The classic pursuer-distancer dynamic. Anxious partner seeks closeness and reassurance; avoidant partner needs space and feels smothered. Each partner's coping triggers the other's fear.
Anxious + Anxious — High emotional intensity, fear of abandonment on both sides. Can create codependency or volatile conflict.
Avoidant + Avoidant — Emotional distance, parallel lives. May appear peaceful but lacks intimacy and connection.
Secure + Any — Secure partners can help regulate insecure partners over time, but only if the insecure partner is willing to examine their patterns.
When diagnosing, look for: Pursuit/distance dynamics, fear of abandonment or engulfment, comfort levels with intimacy and independence.
Common Pattern Archetypes
Pursuer-Distancer
One partner seeks connection (calls, texts, quality time, processing feelings), the other withdraws. The more one pursues, the more the other distances. Both feel unloved in different ways.
Blame-Defend Cycle
Partner A raises an issue. Partner B feels attacked and defends. Partner A escalates because they don't feel heard. Partner B withdraws or counter-attacks. Nothing resolves.
Conflict Avoidance
Both partners avoid difficult topics. Resentment builds underground. Small triggers cause explosive fights about "nothing" that are actually about everything unspoken.
Scorekeeper Dynamic
Partners track who did what, who owes whom. "I did the dishes, so you should..." Transactional relationship replaces partnership.
Parent-Child Dynamic
One partner manages, organizes, reminds, nags. The other is irresponsible, forgets, needs supervision. Both resent their role but perpetuate it.
Need Categories
Relationship needs cluster into areas. Misalignment in any area creates friction:
Emotional Needs
- Feeling seen and understood
- Emotional safety and acceptance
- Affection and appreciation
- Support during difficulty
Physical Needs
- Sexual intimacy frequency and style
- Non-sexual touch and affection
- Physical presence and quality time
- Personal space and autonomy
Intellectual Needs
- Stimulating conversation
- Shared curiosity or growth
- Respect for each other's perspectives
- Mental partnership on decisions
Practical Needs
- Division of household labor
- Financial alignment
- Parenting approach (if applicable)
- Life logistics and planning
Growth Needs
- Individual development support
- Shared vision for the future
- Life stage alignment
- Evolving together vs apart
Diagnosis Output Structure
When presenting findings, use this structure:
- What I'm Hearing — Reflect back the situation to show understanding
- Patterns Identified — Name the dynamics you observe
- Underlying Issues — What's beneath the surface symptoms
- Both Perspectives — Help them see their partner's experience
- Key Questions — What they should explore further
- Path Forward — Not prescriptions, but areas to focus on
Limitations to Communicate
Be clear about what this diagnosis can and cannot do:
- "I'm helping you understand the dynamics, not telling you what to do"
- "I'm only hearing one side—your partner may experience this differently"
- "Naming the pattern doesn't fix it, but it's a starting point"
- "Some issues benefit from professional support—this isn't a replacement for couples therapy"